Monday, 7 December 2015

9 bad habits that could ruin your marriage.....(continued)


6. Letting someone come between you and your spouse
Even if you're close to your parents and siblings, draw a line when it comes to your priorities. When you get married, you’re starting your own family – and your spouse comes first.


That includes spilling private information to your family about your husband or marriage or siding with them over him.

“Once you marry, you and your partner become primary family,” Tessina says. “Discuss how to set boundaries with each other’s parents and family members. If your families have different styles and traditions, negotiate with each other first, then present a united front.”

Maybe you spend all your free time with friends or willingly put in long hours at work. Is your spouse dropping hints about how he wishes you were around more? Take that hint.

Be careful to not neglect your husband in favor of your child. Children get security from seeing their parents get along, says Mark Meyers, a licensed clinical social worker in Crystal Lake, Ill. (Get tips to avoid a sexless marriage after you have children.)

“Always present a united front, and if there’s something you don’t agree upon, don’t undermine your partner in front of your child.” 


7. Not fighting fair
Do you spend more time complaining about an issue than working to resolve it?

You and your spouse will inevitably have some differences. The way you settle those differences can either solidify – or tear down – your relationship.

Watch your tone and timing.

“Establish ground rules that reflect mutual respect and trust,” Meyers say.

Validate your spouse by acknowledging the points you agree upon and practicing reflective listening, he suggests.

When something bothers you, ask yourself how important the issue really is, Tessina recommends. If it’s crucial – and you must hash it out – bring it up as soon as possible to avoid built-up resentment. She suggests these fighting-fair guidelines:


  • Don’t try to be right; instead, try to solve the problem

  • Consider your partner’s point of view

  • Solve one problem at a time

  • Don’t bring up past issues

  • Avoid personal attacks and criticism

  • Don’t use power tactics like guilt, threats and emotional blackmail

Don’t avoid each other after an argument or disagreement. If there isn’t some sort of apology, you can wind up rehashing the same argument over and over again, Meyers cautions.

Here are five must-haves for an effective apology.

But if you're doing all the apologizing, consider that your partner may be abusive.

“Stand your ground when it's appropriate,” Tessina says. “Apology can be a way to heal small rifts between you, but not if it's all one-sided.”

How quickly you calm down after an argument turns out to have a bigger effect on the overall happiness of your marriage, according to a 2013 study by University of California, Berkeley, and Northwestern University.

Researchers analyzed videotaped interactions of more than 80 middle-aged and older heterosexual couples, focusing on how they recovered from disagreements. Marriages in which wives took the lead on stating the problem and offering solutions after disputes were ultimately shown to be happier, both in the short and long run.

8. Putting off fun
With work and home commitments, you may feel you don’t have time for recreation.

But you need down time. And if all the fun goes out of your marriage or life, you won't be 
happy, Tessina says.

Orbuch’s landmark study (continuing since 1986) showed that marriages hit what she calls a “happiness plateau.” She found that these ruts predict marital discontent. Multiple studies show novelty is an important component in keeping the sizzle in your marriage.

Here are some ideas:


  • Make a list of activities to try together.

  • Break patterns.

  • Try a different restaurant.

  • Invite him for a walk and watch the sunset together.

  • Ask friends for ideas about fun things that they’ve enjoyed.

  • Have at least one date night per week and do your best to guard that time together.

  • Slow down and make time for a vacation with just the two of you.

  • Build anticipation. Send him texts about how much you are looking forward to your plans.



8. Putting off fun
With work and home commitments, you may feel you don’t have time for recreation.

But you need down time. And if all the fun goes out of your marriage or life, you won't be 
happy, Tessina says.

Orbuch’s landmark study (continuing since 1986) showed that marriages hit what she calls a “happiness plateau.” She found that these ruts predict marital discontent. Multiple studies show novelty is an important component in keeping the sizzle in your marriage.

Here are some ideas:


  • Make a list of activities to try together.

  • Break patterns.

  • Try a different restaurant.

  • Invite him for a walk and watch the sunset together.

  • Ask friends for ideas about fun things that they’ve enjoyed.

  • Have at least one date night per week and do your best to guard that time together.

  • Slow down and make time for a vacation with just the two of you.

  • Build anticipation. Send him texts about how much you are looking forward to your plans.

Here are more fun ways to date your mate.

9. Forgetting the little things
Everyone craves reassurance and affirmations of self-worth, intimacy and closeness, and assistance, according to Orbuch’s long-term study.

Your husband looks to you to fulfill those needs. But in the crush of your busy life, you can sometimes swoop past an opportunity to pay a sincere compliment or offer to take care of a task that you know he hates.

Don't ignore the importance of tender, loving gestures. Every day acts of kindness are important ingredients in a successful marriage, Orbuch’s study found. 8. Putting off fun
With work and home commitments, you may feel you don’t have time for recreation.

But you need down time. And if all the fun goes out of your marriage or life, you won't be 
happy, Tessina says.

Orbuch’s landmark study (continuing since 1986) showed that marriages hit what she calls a “happiness plateau.” She found that these ruts predict marital discontent. Multiple studies show novelty is an important component in keeping the sizzle in your marriage.

Here are some ideas:

  • Make a list of activities to try together.

  • Break patterns.

  • Try a different restaurant.

  • Invite him for a walk and watch the sunset together.

  • Ask friends for ideas about fun things that they’ve enjoyed.

  • Have at least one date night per week and do your best to guard that time together.

  • Slow down and make time for a vacation with just the two of you.

  • Build anticipation. Send him texts about how much you are looking forward to your plans. 

2 comments:

  1. Awwww...I just dropped a similar post.

    ReplyDelete
  2. watch sunset with naija man? Nice piece.

    ReplyDelete